So it Begins.........

Where do I start? For about 2 years now, I have been using the wonderful tool that is the internet and numerous social sites online to express my feeling, beliefs, opinions and discrepancies of what is the life of this character Dannyskywalker. To say I'm misunderstood is an extreme understatement. Even those closest to me don't truly know how I am and lately, I don't know who I am or what I am becoming? In all honesty, I can say there is a change in me but not one for the better I believe. I see myself questioning things more, I see nothing but the worst in people and I see myself living in a world that is becoming something I believe I am not fit to live in. As I write this, my head and thoughts are all going in different directions. I'm losing hope in humans making the proper decisions and more importantly, the thing I believed in the most: fairness, is proving to be but a mirage and make believe utopia that I will never attain. Every day, I get older, my hair, thinner, my patience just as if not more thinner than my falling hair. Grey hairs multiplying like 2 hormone crazed rabbits among my beard. My "expiration date" getting closer and closer to moving me from the clearance section in the supermarket to the unforgiving, retched and putrid garbage component in the alley. This, as Freddie Mercury once said, "crazy little thing called love" is making me just that: crazy. I have become this self questioning paranoid that feels he will never find someone to be there for him and understand him. I am seeing myself leaving the happy pretend land that is the world of optimism and entering the cold, hard and realistic world that is pessimism. I'm blaming things, trends, hating different ethnic groups and couples essentially wanting what they have. In my mind I know I deserve better. The obstacles that life has put in my way, I have somewhat managed to handle and overcome but this is a fight I'm getting closer and closer to doing what the French did in WWII: surrender. It seems the harder I try, the harder I fail. The more I look for help and answers, the less are out there. It's a slow and painful death similar to cancer although this death lurks longer and there is no chemo for loneliness. At this point, if you are still reading, you are either laughing wholeheartedly or sympathizing with me but it's either one of the two extremes. The loneliness is killing me inside and is making me into a monster that cannot look a black male dating a hispanic or white female in the face without wanting to pulverize their face in and let my anger and frustration out. What makes this person better than I? What makes a white woman choose to date a black male without second doubts but not a "mexican"? Even worse, what makes a latina want to choose to date someone out of their race who is statistically a worse person and yet look at me in disgust and ashamed? Why has this country made it so difficult for a latino to succeed but yet they do everything possible for the black man to? These things are driving me to point of insanity and my heart is becoming full of anger and pain, something I do not want. I want things to change but I do not see this occurring. More and more you see couples of all sorts with black males but not one with a 27 year old latino. What makes me so unattractive? I am an honest, hardworking, strong values type of guy who would try 3 times as harder than any other guy but it's still not good enough. I truly hope something changes for the better soon because I'm getting to that point... the point of no return....